I am currently sitting here, writing this the first post in the newly restarted Jessica’s Thoughts, and wondering two main things – the first being why am I not finishing my jar of Nutella, and the second, perhaps most important of the two, being why am I even bothering to start over for the umpteenth time?! Am I that much of a masochist? Or do I simply need to find my Christian Gray? 1 Perhaps I even need to do some soul-searching to truly figure out who I am and what my purpose here on Earth truly happens to be. Yet, I don’t have the slightest idea of where to begin – I’ve always felt like I’ve done better when directed at what I should do, ie. attending public school for twelve+ years…I was secure in the knowledge that every single day was basically the same, and that all I had to do was follow directions and study what I was told. Then high school graduation came, and I had to decide on a subject to study for the next two to eight years…sometimes longer. I am no longer ashamed to admit that I went into panic mode…a mode that is still ongoing to this very moment. The mere thought of choosing a single subject to study when I am interested in every single thing under the Sun to base the entire rest of my life around, sends me into fits of anxiety. A part of me believes that this is the main reason I have so much trouble blogging regularly…it seems that most people want to put everything and everyone into nice, neat little boxes. Well, I have a newsflash if you happen to be one of those people, no one is shaped like a box. 2 The idea of being set into a specific box, a certain description, drives me crazy and it should you as well…this is because I am more than the labels that society tries to put on me. I am also less than those labels, because some of them I can not ever imagine living up to them, or downgrading myself to fit them.
However, this post isn’t about my labels, or lack thereof. It’s an introduction to myself, and the fact that I truly have no idea of who I am, what I am supposed to be doing, or anything like that. It’s also about the fact that I am slowly becoming able to accept all of the above, and that I am realizing I am the only one who has to be content, satisfied with the direction that I am taking my life. It’s also about my realizing that I’ve yet to reach any moment of fulfillment, of self-actualization…and I have to decide, Am I alright with the fact that my life isn’t what I’ve always dreamt it would be? Or am I strong enough to wake up from my dream state, and start actually living life? Perhaps not, but then there is the fact that I can no longer continue this route I am travelling…and we end up coming back to my having to choose a subject, a field to devote my entire life.
So this begs the question, what do I have the biggest interest in? What am I passionate about? What makes me want to get up in the morning? Honestly? I don’t know what to answer about any of these questions…I don’t recall telling past teachers that I’m going to become the President of the United States one day. Edit: Actually, I do recall telling a couple of my teachers this exact same thing and asking them to vote for me when I do run. Haha, if I recall every single one of them agreed to vote for me…which is either a bit encouraging or discouraging, depending on your point of view.
Did I show any signs of being a leader, of being Presidential material? No, I mainly had my nose stuck in some book or another – I recall that I was re-reading the Classics at the time, along with a few series: The Boxcar Children, Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys…all come to mind. I also vaguely remember wanting to run away from home and to live in a box car, and to solve mysteries. Do you think any of my previous teachers would have said, that’s a wonderful idea and you should definitely go do it? Probably not – they would have noted it down in my file, and then recalled it if I happened to disappear. While neither of these is even close to what ended up happening – they do make for a somewhat interesting (read: extremely boring and pointless) story to tell when I can’t figure out what to write in a blog post.
As y’all can probably tell, I honestly have no idea what to write and I am beginning to ramble about absolutely nothing. Both of these tell me that I need to end this post, and go work on something else – perhaps even finish writing my response to being tagged for the Liebster Award by Megan [entrial-tails.com], even though everyone that I can think of to tag for it is either not currently blogging or has decided that they don’t have time to maintain a blog (Ali, I’m referring to you in this statement – the world needs to hear your words about God and how to grow in relationship with him!). I’m also having trouble coming up with the eleven questions to ask my nominees, as I don’t want to ask the typical questions of why do you blog, etc. Yet, I also don’t want the questions to trigger anxiety in my nominees…so I’m currently caught between a rock and a hard place.3
While I am trying to figure this out, the questions for the Liebster Award…not my entire life, I will be doing some work around the site and posting a bit on social media – so if you’re not following me, go do it right now! All of the links should be in the sidebar, and if one isn’t there, leave me a comment and I’ll start an account if I haven’t already got one. Also, leave a comment if you know why I chose the featured image.
Thought of the Day
The gate to happiness is self-compassion.