Would you believe that I’ve tried to write get this post written for over a month? I normally don’t have this much trouble writing a post, but the main point of this one is something that I’m going to be dealing with for the rest of my life. I know that my cousin Angela is still dealing with some of the same things, even after all these years. I must admit that a part of me is glad that I know and am related to someone who understands and knows what I am going through, but then there the part of me that wants to scream at God or whomever you happen to believe in for making us, for making anyone go through all of this. I also don’t know if it’s something that I’ll ever be able to think about without feeling the need to curl up in bed and cry. I suppose that I should stop avoiding the first, and main point of this particular life update and just tell all y’all my news that is making me so woebegone. My best friend, the person I shared everything with…my hopes, dreams, and everything under the sun and moon, and who I was lucky enough to call Mom died on June 12th.
I am still adjusting to her no longer being in my day-to-day life while trying to figure out what I going to doing with that same life. The last half of my life was devoted to making sure that my Mom and two younger brothers had a place to live, and then when my brothers cut off all contact with my Mom making sure she took care of herself despite having uncontrolled diabetes and suffering from depression. This meant that I made a few sacrifices from dropping out of college – not a real big deal since I couldn’t decide on a major to not having much of a social life. This one is beginning to have more of an impact…I am beginning to realize that, beyond my friends online whom I absolutely adore, most of the people I speak with are people who knew and were friends with Mom. Some will argue and say that they’re also my friend…but not a single one knows a thing about me. I will admit that this is partly my fault as I am a very private person, despite having this blog. However, I am reasonably certain that no one from my hometown has ever visited this website or any other that I have owned…not to mention, any place where I might have written blog posts.1 To put it simply, I am barely a blip on the radar…completely insignificant to most of the people in the world.
Sometimes this fact makes me happy, because if no one notices you then you don’t have to worry about disappointing anyone but yourself. However, I also realize that I don’t want to be a disappointment to myself or my inner child. I believe that is the biggest thing I need to work on now…figuring out how to make my inner child proud of who I am becoming. Because I have realized that my Mom would want me to be happy, to pursue my childhood dreams. I just need to rediscover them…but how?
Since I already told all y’all the main point…the rest is just details. I am in the process of trying to find a job, which is somewhat harder than it may seem as I have no experience and as I mentioned earlier I did drop out of college. I do have my certificate to be a teacher’s aide – which comes with its own set of problems. The first being that I don’t have my Driver’s license or a vehicle – as I sold my Mom’s car to help with paying bills. There is also the fact that most school districts in which I could work have already done the hiring for the upcoming school year. The next legal option, for someone with no experience, would be to work in the food service industry or fast food such as McDonald’s. The main problem with this is that the smell of oil heating up makes me sick. The only reason I am able to eat at such places is that I’m not in the restaurant any longer than I have to be. Luckily, I might have some good news on this by the next update – which will hopefully be posted before I turn 38 on October 4th.
The next issue is the fact that I need to move out of where I currently live…for my own mental and emotional health. However, I am unable to do this until I am able to pay a back electric bill from 2008. My landlord won’t even begin to process a transfer until it’s taken care of – I now have $100 of what I need, and none of the places that help with such things can help me right now. November seems to be the magical month to get help. I’d have $200 – but State Farm refused to issue a refund check in just my name since my name wasn’t on Mom’s car insurance. Now, answer me this…Why would I be on her car insurance if I don’t have a Driver’s license and therefore, I can’t legally drive? It is more than a bit annoying as I would’ve really used that extra money.
So, I think that I have covered everything that has gone on in my life beyond the fact that I have lost eight or so pounds and the fact that I have an appointment with a psychiatrist the beginning of August. I am a bit apprehensive about the appointment and hoping that I can lose a bit more weight before my birthday.
For the next post, I was debating between doing either a wish list post, an unsent letter, or a late night thoughts AKA what is keeping me awake at night. I am going to admit that a large part of me wants to do a relatively quick, easy post…which means it will most definitely be a wish list as the other two need a bit more reflection and preparation. Neither of which I am seriously in the mood to do – seeing as I’m still dealing with the main point of this post, and naturally my sleep schedule is messed up, which is par for the course. Anyhow, I hope that all y’all are having a wonderful weekend and please remember to tell your loved ones that you both love them and appreciate everything that they do for you, or will ever do.
- I don’t count MySpace as that was a momentary aberration…both being on there and the relationship. ↩