Late Night Thoughts #001

I am currently in the process of cleaning my room so that I can find a notebook/paper on which I wrote down all of the domains that I had ever owned so that I can go check them on the Wayback Machine. I am hoping that I possibly put some of my poems, and other writings on a few of the sites, which will make it so much easier to complete a few pages on here. Otherwise, I’ll probably get depressed and unmotivated…and never finish this website. To be honest, this would be par for the course…it seems that I am very good at starting projects (see the fact that I have five or six books that are still WIPs or the fact that my foray into knitting was a complete disaster) and not finishing them. My dream career would be something where I come up with ideas, and then a team works to bring them to life. Basically, I want to sit in a room with a whiteboard and scribble ideas on it while drinking copious amounts of coffee and listening to music. The major flaw with this dream is that I am pretty sure one has to have some sort of experience to get a job like this, and that I have no idea what this would even be called. There is also the slight problem that this type of job is probably only available in certain states, ie. California and there is not any possible way that I can afford to move to California. I can barely afford to live where I’m currently at…and it’s generally under $200 a month if I am lucky.

Before you comment and tell me to get a job, I have applications in everywhere within walking distance from me and no one has called me in for an interview. Then there are the jobs that I know I would be perfect for, but those are the ones I hear about after the fact…for example, the library in my hometown recently hired two library assistants. The head librarian even admitted I would’ve been perfect for the position…however, I’m the type of person that people think about last, if at all. I have a tendency to blend into the woodwork, so to speak. This would be great if I wanted to say work for the CIA or some other covert agency, and if I actually had a degree in something they’d hire for…in all seriousness, I’m currently feeling anxious, depressed, and more than a bit annoyed…and just slightly amused.

Anxious stems from the fact that I am fast approaching the 2-month anniversary of my Mom’s death and I feel as if there is something fundamentally wrong with me in more ways than one. First is the fact that I seem to be unable to complete any project…unless I have a very strict deadline. In school, I was the student that wrote all of their essays the night before, and still received a good grade. Sometimes I’d be in the computer lab, printing them out, five minutes before they were due. Oddly, I never received a tardy – mainly because all of my teachers, I had either had them previously 1 or they had learned of my quirks from other teachers. Then we have the fact that my grieving process comes and goes…sometimes I cannot stand the fact that my Mom is no longer alive and that I can no longer talk to her about basically everything, and then there are times that life doesn’t feel very different. It’s not like the last few weeks, she was seriously in the mood to listen to me complain about my inability to write a blog post or the fact that my hair was frizzing up, or that none of my clothes fit properly. The truth of the matter is that my clothes not fitting properly, or my hair being frizzy, are not truly important if you truly think about it. I’m sure that you noticed I didn’t say anything about my inability to write a blog post…and this is because my Mom was fully supportive of my desire to be a writer. She’s the one who every year when notebooks would go on sale, would purchase me a dozen or so, or when I saw a new journal buy it for me, despite knowing that I’d write in maybe a half-dozen times then either lose interest in journaling or lose the journal completely. She’s also the one who bought me my very first domain – because I told her it would allow me to keep all of my writings in one location, thus making my room a lot cleaner. Haha, that worked really well…especially considering the fact that I still have papers all over the place of story ideas, started stories, incomplete poems, even blog post ideas.

Depressed comes from the fact that I am going to be 38 years old in a little less than 67 days, and I am single, unemployed, and haven’t accomplished anything. I cannot say that I’ve made a difference in anyone’s life, or that I’ve made an impact on the world around me…heck, I can’t even say that if I were to disappear that someone would immediately notice. My neighbor would probably notice first…mainly because unless my dog Colby was with me, he’d be howling and whining…he has serious separation anxiety. Plus, there is the fact that he’d get hungry or the fact that I go and check on them at least once a day unless I am seriously sick, meaning that I don’t have the energy to go farther than the bathroom which is diagonal across from my bedroom. They would probably be the first to realize that I am missing…my Uncle would be next. He generally calls me every other day to check on me, to see if I need anything…to go to the store, etc. In all honesty, this is making the depressed side of me worse…so let’s move on to what’s annoying and what’s amusing me. Both will be relatively short paragraphs, which is good as this is getting a bit longer than I had planned when I started writing it.

The annoyance mainly comes from the fact that I know I wrote down my old websites, domains and the fact that I cannot find it…I just don’t know what I did with it. Then the amusement comes from the fact that my thumbs are currently green – this is due to the food coloring from the ice cream cake I was eating earlier, and that I’m finishing off as soon as I get this posted…while I finish season five of OITNB.

Well, I’m off to eat ice cream and binge Netflix…because it’s a twenty after four in the morning and I’m not even the slightest bit tired. I also need to stay up as long as possible, so I can go to sleep at a decent time tonight. I hope that you’re having a better night than I am and that you’re getting more sleep than I will. Have a wonderful day!

  1. One teacher I had in 5th or 6th grade, then twice in High School…She was also our class sponsor.