Reflections of Depression, Part One

Photo by Arno Smit on Unsplash

It’s been so long since I last posted an entry that I honestly have no idea how to begin a new post. One could argue that I was never an expert at blogging in the first place, and I’d have to agree…despite the fact that I’ve been blogging in some form or another since the mid-1990s.1 The main reason that I say I’m not an expert despite all these years of “experience” mainly has to do with two facts: One is that I’ve never had a post go viral, and the second is as far as I know – I’ve never influenced anyone to start a blog or successfully helped someone with their blog.2 In all honesty? I don’t even think I could walk someone through the steps of installing WordPress[dot]ORG onto to their domain without having the files in front of me. There used to be a time when I could tell someone exactly how to start a new blog using WordPress without looking at a screen. I will admit this is because I might’ve accidentally deleted my WordPress files a time or two, and had to reinstall everything.3 Is it just me, or is this post starting to give off the vibe that I’ve decided to quit blogging? If so, that’s the furthest thing from the truth…so what is the truth? The truth of the matter is that my life isn’t interesting enough to warrant regular posts…I’m not employed in a career that anyone cares about…or even employed period. I don’t have any children – so being a “mommy blogger” is off the table. I very rarely leave my apartment due to not having any money and the fact that I’m basically allergic to every single green thing I can see outside my living room window. A simple walk to the library will sometimes leave me with hives depending on the pollen levels that day. So where does this leave me?

Right now? It leaves me with a phone that sometimes has service, an unfinished novel staring me in the face, and a complete lack of motivation to work on anything – including posts for either this site or Bookishly, and an attention-span that is slowly dwindling to nothing. I’ve recently come up with the idea to set up some sort of daily schedule for myself – but the only thing I’ve added is the times I’m wanting to eat… 7:30 am for breakfast, noon for lunch, etc. I have no idea an idea on how to fill those hours between meals, and after dinner to bedtime prep. But I’m completely unmotivated to do them – work on my novel, draft blog posts for both domains, work on my save file for The Sims 4…for various reasons. I’d originally figured that my lack of interest and motivation was due to the colder weather…but on the day that I’m drafting this, it got up to 92° with the heat index. 4 I suppose that I could also blame COVID-19 with the whole having to shelter in place, etc. But I was basically a hermit prior to all the mess that we call 2020…so I can’t say it’s to blame. If there’s any reason that I’m unmotivated and basically uninterested in almost everything, I don’t know the reason. I suppose that you might say that I’m depressed.

An outsider looking into my life might wonder what has caused me to be depressed, or think that I’ve no reason to feel this way. A part of me would agree with them – I’m healthy, I am able to eat regularly, I have a roof over my head…all of my basic needs are being met. Yet, if you were to look at Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs you might notice that all of the things I’ve mentioned fall under the category of Physiological Needs…it’s the next levels that cause a bit of a disturbance in the Force, so to speak.

After the physiological needs, we have the need for Security and Safety. Security includes financial security…and I’ve honestly never experienced that in my entire life thus far. Growing up as the oldest child in a single-parent household, I’ve always been quite aware of the fact that certain sacrifices had to be made so that we’d have a place to live, food on the table, etc. There were times when I didn’t have a birthday cake or birthday presents since my birthday was so close to the beginning of the month. My Mom always made sure to wish me a happy birthday and tell me how much she loved me. As a child, I accepted certain things as fact – I know I was loved, in fact, there were people in my hometown who’d remind me if they saw I was upset.

But there’s a difference between knowing something is true and living life after that person is gone. I know that it’s sometimes cliched to say, but my Mom was truly my best friend. I told her absolutely everything – who I had a crush on in high school, which teachers I couldn’t stand, why I was doing horrible at Algebra…everything. She was my biggest supporter, no matter what activity I wanted to try…she got me my very first domain, nouveau-prep.net, and willingly bought me dozens of extra notebooks so I’d have a place to write down my poems and other writings.5 She was even willing to sign the papers so I could drop out of high school as I was absolutely miserable. I didn’t end up becoming a high school dropout, the high school guidance counselor convinced me that I’d regret doing so. She reminded me that I’d miss all the activities that came with being a Junior/Senior…which were mainly Prom and Graduation. Looking back, I honestly wouldn’t have missed either Graduation or Prom. I don’t have a single trinket from any of those moments. My junior year Prom dress, which cost almost $400 at the time and was a gift from my Mom’s boyfriend to get me to like him, became an “art project” for my youngest brother. We got a few things at the dance – a picture frame and I don’t even recall what else. As for my Senior Prom? Well, Mom and her boyfriend had separated…which has absolutely nothing to do with Prom. I truly didn’t want to attend my Senior Prom alone…but I was also too chicken to ask someone to go with me. I told myself that the person I wanted to ask wouldn’t want to attend anyhow. As for my dress…it was the same color as the previous year so I wouldn’t have to break in another pair of heels, and it was more “adult”? It had a lace-up back, and fitted very snugly…you could honestly tell if I was wearing panties or not.6

Then we come to Graduation…which will have to be in the next post as I’m already over 1200 words, and it’s recommended you keep your blog posts under 1500 words. Though I do wonder who came up with such an arbitrary number? I certainly didn’t…though it does help me to figure out where to end my posts.

I will hopefully get another post up this week…either on here or on Bookishly…probably there as I am thinking about doing the WWW Wednesday post, and tomorrow is Wednesday. See you in my next post, or on social media! All of my links are in the sidebar to the left!

  1. I’m counting my years having an account on Teen OpenDiary as blogging, as well as being on Geocities.
  2. I’m not including my brief foray into hosting subdomains, because it was a complete disaster.
  3. Belated and sincerest apologies to those who hosted me during this time – thank you for being so very patient with me.
  4. This is why staying hydrated is very important, kids.
  5. Sadly I don’t have any of my writings from when I was in High School.
  6. I’m not going to say if I was, as I’m sure that someone is still probably wondering about it.

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